Need of the century-lavatories.

I got a nightmare that night. I was on my bowel bed and I couldn’t pass out what I wanted. And I died. I died cos I couldn’t pass out my dumps. I think of all the weird deaths ever recorded in the history of mankind and I would rate my death right up there. My tombstone would read something like this-

PETER KENNEDY
till 2011
First man to die of ‘shit-coagulation’. Amen.

I don’t wanna die like that. Ever. I don’t wanna be the late grandfather to some kids who will be the butt of all jokes cos he couldn’t take the call of nature in time. No. No way in hell is that gonna happen.

Hence began my crusade against the worst enemy of mankind. And I planned to revamp my house in such a way that I won’t have to wait a millisecond to pass out the fermented thingys banging inside my stomach. 

Relaxed passage-I planned my house in such a way that there is a toilet right in the center of the house. In the living room. I will dump when I am relaxed. Like when I am having a cup of coffee and suddenly I get the urge. I don’t wanna take the three-four jumps to the bathroom. I will dump ‘em right there. In my living room toilet. Cos it’s a matter of life and death. And as they say, “Gone in 60 seconds!”

Sleeping-mode passage-I have had the experience of waking up with my nails digging into my butt just to stop the lovely yellow lady from breaking out before the light is green. I didn’t want that to happen to me again. So I made a hole in my bed. A hole which can be filled with the mattress, you know. When you lift the mattress it is like a hole. A hole with a toilet inside. A hole with a toilet inside where I can dump without waking up. A bed with a toilet. Matter of life and death.

Driving-mode passage-There are times when you are navigating traffic and you wanna reach a toilet so fast you would trade your empty bank account for it. Take my advice, do what I did to my car. I built a lavatory right inside the car. My car has no passenger seats, just a white gleaming toilet. This serves as the emergency outlet for traffic snarls. And I have tinted glasses to protect my privates. Smart, eh?! I know.

Running-mode passage-One day, I was on my morning run and it struck me again. I could blame all I wanted to the glass of milk I had before I started running but it won’t save my ass from keeping away the ‘love-of-my-life’ outta the road. I ran faster than Usain Bolt on his heyday. To the toilet. Hence, a very necessary addition to my wardrobe was a pouch kinda-thing which opens up when I press a small button hidden inside my pants. It opens so that I can do my thing while running. So that I can continue running. Or whatever. Then it closes itself automatically and releases a sufficient amount of anti-shit scents to negate my yellow lady’s gaseous companions.

Main passage-After revamping virtually every corner of my life with reinforcements to ensure a yellow-less lifestyle, I turned my attention to the big lady, the main toilet. I installed two cubicles to ensure that if there is any time when I am really desperate, I won’t miss-fire my stuff. I installed sensors in my bathroom to ensure not a bit of it is left inside me after my latest meeting with the toilet. I installed cameras which will detect any inappropriate shitty-movements. I installed x-ray cameras to detect the passage of shits which can explode. The kinds which tend to run off all at once, if you are still with me.

And I am sure I have increased my life expectancy to a million years. In my dreams, at least, I am immortal.

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