Farting to heaven.

Define farting.
“Farting is a patriotic act of cleansing one’s stomach by holding one’s breadth and letting the gas flow from the other end of the body, the asshole, to be precise.”

After reading numerous scientific accounts on the generation of farts, I have come to a conclusion which can be summarized in a very basic formula-

Fart intensity=Weight of the person/Speed of fart (in km per sec)

The more the weight of the person dispersing, the more will be the balloon of smell formed. And again, lesser the speed of the fart, more will be the time it lingers around, I mean obviously.

Farting was discovered in the early Mesopotamian era, when sailors on-board ships, started falling sick of mysterious, undetectable shit. Confused with sea-sickness at first, it came into prominence when more and more sailors started falling sick from the weird radioactive affects of the gaseous predator.

These sailors were kept under observation and doctors from the mainland concluded that it is an invisible force of the human body which comes out in the form of a spirit (spirit=gas, smart, eh?!). They were amazed at the effects of this formless creature and thought it is the ‘harbinger of death’. The Mesopotamian ruler of the period became so afraid of this monster that he made a temple in its name, making every person in the kingdom to kneel and pray before the new God.

The temple was filled with priests who were made to eat cabbage and beans in the morning, so that by the time noon announced itself, they can entertain their devotees with their farts. As the fart had no form, there was no deity. The worshippers had to just kneel in front of the priests who would be turned with their backs to the audience, and smell their farts.

People who died during the smell process were deemed ‘martyrs’. Special fart-boards where erected all over the region and their names were inscribed in gold to advertise their sacrifice in order to keep the fart-God happy.

This mysterious fart has also progressed into the new world, where people still cover their noses in respect to the God who just made its presence known. Thorough studies into farts have yielded interesting results. Scientists deem it as a natural phenomenon, produced due to the metabolic activities of the human body. Despite hard known facts available and their ‘harmlessness’, people can’t help but respect farts.

The Righteous Group for Farting Freedom is a worldwide organization which strives to preserve the beauty of farting. It has also given a handful of guidelines for safe-farting, which they claim, if followed dutifully, can ensure a beautiful, fart-full life-

-There is a difference between farting amongst men and farting amongst women. Men are more enlightened of farting and hence a fart in a group of men is deemed stylish. On the other hand, women become paranoid of farts and any fart amongst women is deemed as a huge offence. Try blaming it on others if you fart amongst women.

-Farting intensity can be controlled in various ways. An easy way to noiseless fart while sitting on a chair is to tilt a little sideways and release the fart slowly.

-Farting is not an offence. It is legal.

-The fart-face is a very important activity of very high social importance where a person’s dignity can be determined by the reaction he gives after a fart. The ‘Did-you-smell-anything?’ is the basic form which can be mastered by farting and then giving an ignorant look to your neighbors, hence a sense of mystery. The ‘You-did-it’ expression is a more advanced technique which needs a lot of expertise. It requires you to fart, wait for a while for the smell to reach, point a finger at a colleague and shout,” You did it!!”

Suggestions to this important activity can be posted for worldwide approval. 

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