Job post: Recruiting terrorists.

Bombing Field Technician-Karachi.

About the Company:
Al-Kaida is a world leader in providing terrorist solutions all-over the world. At Al-Kaida, we have designed a culture that helps you get there: heaven. We are primarily based in Afghanistan. We have branches world-wide with our operations and training facility in Pakistan. From our flexible, die where you want approach, to our suicide-bombing specialist, we do everything we can to make sure our employees not only die soon, but kill sooner. Into committing suicide? Into hating Americans? If your answer is yes, then you have come to the right place. If your answer is no, we are coming to get you!

Job Description:

This job is primarily based at our new training facility just opened in Karachi.

The area:
With an aim of killing and eliminating all Americans by 2012 (before Armageddon), we are in search of talented candidates who have a knack of hiding bombs and acting non-terrorist. We have a network of highly trained terrorists located all over the world to cater to the needs of bombings, suicide-attacks, kidnappings, hijacking etc. Using our unique technology and expertise in dying fast, we keep Al-Kaida's customer-facing bombs running and blowing up.

Reality about relationships.

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I wanna tell you a story, no, don't go away! This will be quick. It's the story of Dan and Lucy, a couple made for each other, well, they thought so. Lets cut out the sweet and sugary parts and go directly to their spicier ones, cos that's what we love! Dan loves Lucy. Lucy loves 'ruling' Dan.

2nd month in relationship, 14th day, 2 pm:
Dan and Lucy are walking hand-in-hand in a park (groan!) and they are conversing.
Dan says,"You know my friend Emily? She mailed me yesterday. She is in Finland...." Lucy suddenly releases her hand,"Isn't she your old classmate?! The one you used to share your donuts with in junior school?!" "Yea.....but...",prays Dan.
Lucy takes out her mobile phone, opens her browser and types in: www.gmail.com.
Username: dan_the_dude@gmail.com
"Tell me your password",orders Lucy.
"But why do you want my password?!"
"Don't you love me?!"
"Yes, I do....but..."
"Then tell me your password."
Dan tries to explain,"But you never tell me your password."
"Don't you love me?!"
"Yes, I do...but..."
"Then tell me your password."
"It's pineapple, lower case",groans Dan in defeat.
Lucy's eyes light up, Dan knows it's trouble. He is right.
"Your password is a fruit?! I thought it is my name!! Is this her favorite fruit?! You kept the password her favorite fruit's name?!"
"No....no, her favorite fruit is mango..."
"OHO!! So you even know her favorite fruit! What's her favorite pass-time?! E-mailing you?!",shrieks Lucy.
Poor Dan.

Know thyself.

Are you a side-track walker? Do you love eating things what others don't? Do you step out of your house with your right feet first? That might be causing you a lot of problems right there! You see, when the right feet always goes out 'there' first, he starts complaining. The left feet is all relaxed and he hasn't got any pressure of facing the hostilities of the world first! So give your right feet a break. You can sever it off and send him to the Bahamas for a vacation.

Large bums: After an extensive research undertaken under my own vigilance, we found out creatures who sit a lot more of their childhood tend to have larger bums. This special experiment was conducted on 3 chimps. No, this isn't animal cruelty! I was just trying to find out how Kim Kardashian got such humongous bums! Now that's for human development. As I was saying, we imported the chimps while they were still in their eggs and we made them hatch using sunlight. From the moment these chimps hatched, we tied them in 3 different positions.

C1 (I will refer to their scientific names) was made to stand straight and tied to a pole. C2 was made to sit on a bench and tied in that position. C3 was made to sleep (ah, the lucky one!) and tied in that position.

After 20 years of observation, we got to the breakthrough never done yet in human anatomy: the chimp who sat for 20 years had larger bums!! That is in direct connection to Kim who has stated before, "I had to sit through my childhood. Nobody wanted to be with me." And this is a discovery that will change mankind!

So if your child's egg just hatched, make sure you make her sit right now! Don't let her go anywhere! She is gonna be famous-for-nothing-but-having-Godzilla-sized-bums when she is grown up!

We want a Nobel Prize for this. In bum research. Oh, by the way, the other two chimps are still under observation.