@Sachin: How to: make your 100th century.

Even you are feeling it. Aren't you? Yeah, Sachin. Milestones can be tough. Even tougher when you are in England. You see, the whites are very bright when you look at them and you get confused. Don't worry, I have a fool-proof plan to help you get to your next century. Don't forget to clear my bills.

Bribe: I am not asking you to fix the match. Nope. This is a bribe. And a bribe is very different from fixing, right?
Well, at least bribes are accepted in India. Bribe everybody. Start with the score-keepers. Convince them to just add 1 to your 99 centuries. Then bribe the commentators. Ask them to announce it's a century when you reach 1. Technically speaking it's just a matter of adding two 0s and 0s don't count for anything. We invented 0. Let's make use of it. Bribe the fans. At least I will receive some part of it! With the count of your account deposit, it's just a piece of the cake. 

Disguise: Ask someone to put on some make-up and bat for you. Hire Tom Cruise and team to do the 'thing' they did in MI:3 for you. You can ask Parthiv Patel to do that. He has your height. But he can't hit a century playing with Vatican City, imagine England! So try convincing Gavaskar to put on his playing shoes again. Gift him a truckload of rasgullas. He never fails 'em. And don't forget to ask the camera-men 'not to focus on the face'. Tut.

Your son: With the superlatives we have heard about your son, it's just a matter of time before he makes his first-class debut. And by the way, with the tension you are currently in, I really wanna favor him before you. And he is your son, mate. But he bats left-handed. But just say he is a Tendulkar. Who cares about the first name right?

Anthrax: Learn from our friends from Afghanistan. Purchase some Anthrax bacterias. Push them in an envelope and give it to the English team. Directly to Broad. The lanker is breaking wickets. Then see your fortunes turn. Hah!

Zoom: There are lots of miniature, microscopic binoculars available. Wear one of them. You will see the ball in zoom mode. Or borrow Clive's specs. Boy, aren't they heavy!

Distract: Bat left-handed. Confuse the bowler. Make him think you are Ganguly. You know bowlers are always on alert when he will suddenly take off his shirt and invite all bees nearby to have a party on his chest. No, please don't take off your shirt.

But the best way is to just bat I guess. Don't forget my payment.

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